Decisions
A Continuation of the Reservations Series
By Drew Filchak
I wanted to stroke his cheek to wake him, but I stopped myself.
Granted, I'd received phenomenal affirmation from Ben the previous morning, but after the emotional skyrockets and hellish plunges from yesterday, I found myself a little
self-conscious of any expressive displays of affection. I shook his shoulder gently instead.
"Ya wanna come with me?" I asked in a hushed voice as Ben looked up to me with sleep-filled eyes.
He rubbed his eyes and cheeks then nodded as he extricated himself gently from Cody's arms. Inwardly, I smiled as I watched him absent-mindedly kiss Cody's forehead.
As he pulled free of his bed partner, I heard a quiet, dissatisfied moan from Cody. I grinned as I watched Cody press his tented shorts one last time against Ben's leg.
"Someone doesn't want to let you go," I whispered.
Ben rolled his eyes as he sat up. "He never does," he returned in a whisper.
I noticed Ben's own morning expression contained in his boxers and swallowed quickly. The comparison between Ben's wood next to Joel's in the morning was easily made.
But I had to admit, I thought that Ben showed an even larger swell. I quickly shook my head at the thought. 'And he's only
sixteen!'
He moved to the bathroom without closing the door and I heard the splash into the bowl. The thought that natural parents must get used to the sound as their kids
grow up passed through my mind. I found the sound slightly erotic and partly wished I could have woken him from the door.
I grinned and turned to find Cody watching me through sleep-filled eyes.
"He's the hottest thing going, ain't he?" Cody asked.
"Yeah, he is," I said. "But you're all about the cutest things I've ever seen."
Cody shrugged. "Maybe, but Bone's just the ... max." His eyes filled with a longing that I knew would likely never be fulfilled.
"So why do you put yourself through the ... aggravation, Codes? He seems to be pretty clear that he's not like us and Chris."
He rolled face-first into Ben's pillow and breathed deeply. I thought he wasn't going to answer, but then he rolled again onto his back and threw his arms over his head in
frustration. "Because I love him so much, B-man. He's it for me. I ... I just know it. The first time I saw him on the street, I knew it. He was so whacked, so scared and
all I wanted to do was grab him and lay a big, wet one on him. Then, man, as we started to talk, I saw him checking out this girl and I asked him if he wanted to meet her.
He just shrugged and said she looked just like some chick he was blitzed about. And I knew he was one of the liners."
My face clouded with question. "Liners?"
"Straight. Straight line."
"Hmm." Their lingo was a constant source of chuckles for me. "So what did you do?"
"The dude professed his undying love for me and I told him to keep it in his pants."
I whirled around to find Ben leaning against the doorway leading from the bathroom. His shorts no longer tented, but I couldn't help but think that he looked like a gigolo,
practiced in posing for effect and big tips. "Eavesdropping isn't a very cool thing, bud."
"Fuck!" Cody moaned and rolled over to again bury his face in Ben's pillow.
"C'mon, Bonehead," I said quietly to Ben. "Throw some clothes on. I've already got the coffee made."
Ben shrugged and moved to the pile of clothes next to the bed, pulling on the same thing he wore yesterday.
"Codes?" Ben whispered in a plaintive voice. When Cody refused to roll over and look at him, he sighed and dropped his shoulders. "C'mon, C. You know I love you."
Without raising his head, Cody's arm flipped up, his middle finger extended, then he dropped it again and pulled the pillow close.
Ben tossed his hands out in exasperation as if to say, 'see', then grabbed his runners and stomped out of the room.
I moved to the bed and placed my hand on the back of Cody's head. I wanted to tell him that it'll all work out, but my words were somewhat different. "You're a catch,
Cody. Believe me." He quickly pulled the pillow out from under him and slammed it on top of his head. I didn't know if I was supposed to leave or stay.
I dropped on the edge of the mattress and moved my hand to stroke his back. "You are, love. You're cute and funny and even sexy for a sixteen-year-old." My voice,
hushed in quiet, was meant to soothe away a little of his hurt. "Don't rush it. You'll find what you're looking for, I promise, bud. Just ... be patient, okay?"
The one edge of the pillow was raised slightly and I tried to peek under it with my hand, but he pulled it close again. I rubbed his back tenderly and felt the smooth,
unblemished skin under my touch. "Maybe you and I should try and spend a little more time together, just the two of us, away from the others. I've ... I've been where
you are, Codes. I know what it's like."
I felt his breathing pause. He slowly pulled the pillow away and looked at me with wet eyes. "You're not just saying that?"
The hope and need for my words to be the truth blazed from his eyes. I slowly shook my head and offered him a half smile. "Nope. If it tells you anything, I've cried
over guys more times that I will ever admit to any one that's not comatose."
His tears surged at my words. "I love him so much. He's ... "
I smiled and nodded as my hand squeezed his neck affectionately. My gesture broke through the physical barrier that had been in place between us for the past week
and he tentatively moved towards me. I pulled him into my arms as he sagged against me.
His muffled words brought a knowing smile to my face. "He's so fucking cute. I just want to kiss him, just once."
"I know, love. It's not fair and a real bitch, huh?"
I felt him nod against my chest. "He's the one that started it all. He pulled me to him back in the crib. I'm not just making this shit up, you know."
From my peripheral vision, I saw Ben standing at the door with two
cups of coffee in his hand, watching us. My head jerked to tell him to move
away and after a moment, he silently pulled back into the hallway.
"I know, Codes. We talked about it once. He's confused just like a
lot of teenagers are. But you wanna know something?"
"What?" His voice contained the faintest glimmer of what sounded
like hope and it caused me to take a deep breath. I didn't want him to know
the huge potential that my words offered for disappointment, but I continued
in a hushed tone.
"You may get him to kiss you. He may even do it on his own, but so
many times kids your age just need to try things out." I felt him sag again
in my arms and I hurried on. "But that doesn't mean that there is anything
wrong with you because you love him. Loving someone is the greatest thing
you can do as a person. And the fact that you love Ben and are willing to
go on loving him even though he doesn't appear to love you back in the same
way, is a wonderful sign of the potential one day for you to know what real
love is all about. You will, you know ... love someone who will return it
back to you ten times over. I have no idea if that person will be Ben or
not, but simply because you are able to really love someone, I guarantee you
that you'll get your chance to experience it on the receiving end."
I felt like I'd said too many words, but he raised his head and
looked at me like he'd actually heard what I'd said. "Really?"
I nodded. "Really."
He dropped his gaze to the side and I could see that he was
processing the concept. "You know what, B-man? I want him to kiss me on
his own. I want it to be his decision, cuz then I'll know that he's doing
it because he loves me, not cuz I want him too."
"Good. Then that leaves you a little less hopelessly in love and a
lot more the stud that I know you are."
He beamed his awe across the distance between us. "You think I'm a
stud?"
"Oh, yeah, bud. Grade A."
His grin widened. "Cool."
I leaned forward and kissed his forehead. His face exploded with
delight. "Just promise me one thing, stud, okay?"
He nodded eagerly.
"Promise me that whenever you're called to 'stud duty' that you'll
wear a raincoat, all right?"
He rolled his eyes and smirked. "Okay, Dad."
I snorted. "Good."
We shared a look that told me we'd finally connected. I nodded then
ruffled his hair. "You done sleeping? You wanna join Ben and me?"
He rolled his eyes again. "No way, dude. I've got hours of sleep
left in me. You two are just dopey for getting up when you do. Even the
roosters know you're blasted."
I licked my lips as I grinned smugly. "Blasted, huh?"
"Yup." His grin smoothed away the last of my worry.
"Go back to sleep, pup." I winked at him playfully. "And don't
drool all over Ben's pillow."
His mouth dropped and his eyes rolled again, telling me that he
couldn't believe I said that. I simply raised my brows in question and he
finally grinned back at me as he dropped back to the pillow, a look of
slightly renewed anguish covering his face.
I nodded then stood and walked to the door. "Nighty night, stud."
His tisk brought a quiet chuckle to my lips. I left the bedroom
amidst the ongoing snores from Cleats and Chris and partially pulled the
door shut behind me.
Ben stood just outside the door. His embarrassed look told me that
he'd heard enough of our conversation to worry about what I was going to
say. I grabbed him by the neck and pulled him to me so that our shoulders
bumped together as I drug him companionably down the hall.
"C'mon, you. I've got a secret place that I'm gonna let you in on."
He went to hand me my coffee cup, but I shook my head. "Hang on to
it. This damned cane makes me a little unstable."
At the main door, I swapped my cane for the crutches and humped my
way through the door and across the entry foyer to a secluded door in the
corner of the hallway. I turned and winked at Ben who watched me with a
large amount of question in his eyes. I opened the door then signaled with
my head for him to follow me up the stairs.
Eventually, I topped the last step and pushed on the release bar of
the door leading to the roof. I glanced quickly at Ben and saw his eyes
light up. I grinned then moved through the door and began to make my way
towards the west parapet. The not-so-distant mountains, lit dimly by the
slightest bit of new-dawn light, raised before us as we stood next to each
other. He handed me my coffee and we each sipped the hot liquid. I felt a
small relief from the morning chill and placed my arm across his shoulders,
then pointed toward the mountains with my coffee cup.
"That's Mount Evans. It's 14,240 feet tall. Wanna hike to the top
with me, one of these days."
"No." He said resolutely.
I looked at him in question as he raised his face to mine.
"Blair. You're too old. You'd probably have a heart attack." He
looked at me with steadfast seriousness. I felt my lips purse once
slightly.
"You're a little shit. You know that don't you?"
He grinned smugly. "I'm not the one using a cane, old man."
I sighed in resignation. "Just because I'm momentarily at a
disadvantage, doesn't mean that I can't pound your teenage butt even before
I heal up, pup. Don't forget that." I arched my eyebrows at him, laced
with feigned menace. He grinned then pulled from me, hopping onto one leg
as his arms rose, devilish delight covering his face.
"Waaaaaaa!"
My laughter ripped across the space between the buildings. He
dropped his leg and flicked his head upwards to let me know that he knew he
was cool. The playfulness expressed in his face left me grinning with
pleasure.
It struck me suddenly, just how much I enjoyed spending time with
him -- just being with him, one-on-one, sent my spirits soaring. "Do you
know how much I've enjoyed having you with us this past week, Ben? I mean,
I really have enjoyed it."
His grin dropped and he looked at my coffee cup. "Blair, all I've
done is cause you mondo grief. How can you say that and not be bullshitting
me?"
"Simple. Because I've wanted a son in my life for a long time now
and I'd really stopped thinking that it could happen."
He took a large swallow of his coffee then looked out across the
city. I watched him process my words with a mixture of hope and hesitancy
in his gaze. "I wasn't sure if yesterday was all just ... in my imagination
or what."
"No, it wasn't, Ben. I'm sorry if I didn't touch base with you
after our time on the couch. Things heated up pretty dramatically and
between everything that kept rolling at us, I never had a chance to get you
alone to just give you a hug and reiterate my feelings."
I felt blinded by the bright intensity of his smile and as his arms
encircled me in a hug that was at once both fierce and heartfelt, any fears
about mine and Joel's decision to keep the boys immediately dissolved.
"Good hug," I said after a long, tender embrace. "Help this old man
out, would ya? Grab us another shot of coffee and also a set of car keys
from the holder. I need another bit of caffeine, then I have something else
to show you."
As Ben left to refill our cups, my thoughts floated to the house on
Thirteenth and Vine. It was twice as big as my house on Adams plus offered
a third floor. Yesterday evening we met at the new house with Bill and
Gayle to feel them out about our decision to include them in our plans. We
also used the quiet to discuss the events revealed through both the capture
of the scum who'd abused Mau as well as the tragedies exposed during his
hypnosis.
Initially, I was blinded by my hatred of the man as I tried to
listen to the details of the arrest and the subsequent evidence found at the
man's house including apparent video footage of the abhorrent and vile acts
done to Mau. Joel said the FBI agent would not elaborate on their content,
but from the hypnosis session, Gayle and I reluctantly had some small
details to share of the repeated rapes and torture. The combined essence
gleamed from the two reports shared that Mau had been sold to the man named
Jenkins for eight thousand dollars by his parents during the early part of
November. Unbelievably, Jenkins had filmed the transaction and the agent
said that Mau was clearly drugged in the footage. The sexual abuse started
as soon as Mau's parents left with the money. The agent confirmed our
knowledge from Marc Prentice's medical exam that Jenkins, acting as Mau's
pimp, had scheduled numerous other sick and sadistic johns to use Mau's
precious body as they would. Jenkins and one other monster, for their own
perverted pleasures, apparently did the torture and abuse including the
cigarette burns and forced urine exchange.
Contained within a hidden compartment in Jenkins's house was found,
among hard copies of emails setting up Mau's sale, his birth certificate
stating his name to be Jordan Allen Yamakata, born in January1988 to a
Thomas and Mary Yamakata from Kaanapali, Maui, Hawaii. As of yesterday
afternoon when Joel had last spoken to the agent in charge of the
investigation, the Bureau was focusing their search towards locating and
apprehending his parents.
Gayle had related that she'd spent the day thinking about Mau. Her
eyes teared as she related the struggle she'd been through weighing Mau's
enormous need against what she felt she was capable of doing. She admitted,
almost in a whisper, that for the better part of the afternoon, her decision
had been to try and find another therapist to work with Mau. Her reasoning
centered around the uncertainly she felt about being able to remain
objective. And she admitted that her loss of objectivity was the catalyst
which had previously driven her into substitute teaching; no ties and very
few repeat interactions.
Joel took my hand into his as we waited for Gayle to finish.
"I have to tell you though," she finally said as her eyes met ours,
"that it finally hit me. He needs personal, one-on-one therapy with someone
who isn't afraid to hug him and share his hurt -- take it away from him for
a little while and give him a chance to try and see what life without the
horrors could be like. I can do this kind of work for one child, but I
don't know about more, even though I sense you're looking to me for just
that."
I felt Joel's grip relax slightly. "Yes, Gayle, we are. Our
decision to buy this house, so we can remain with the boys and still have
enough space for everyone, is based on the fact that we've realized, even
after only a week, that we simply cannot pass these boys off to Bill."
Bill grunted and as I looked at him, I saw a slow smile form on his
lips. "I know, Joel. I knew when you left my house earlier. And if you're
thinking what I think you're thinking, there's a new crop of boys out there
that are going to find an offer for some permanent lodging along with some
permanent security."
A slight twitch flitted across Joel's lips as he nodded. "Sorry, my
friend. I couldn't say anything without first speaking with my man, here."
He pulled my hand, still clasped in his, to his lips. "He agreed, but not
without a fight."
"Let me guess," Bill said chuckling. "He wanted to know what would
happen when you two had to travel for business and would need to leave them
alone. Who would watch out for them? Am I close?"
Joel shrugged. "Somewhat."
Bill studied his friend for a moment, then grinned. "Ah. You want
to take them with you on your trips whenever possible, turn them into young,
international men of the world and ... oh, wow," he said as a light of
comprehension filled his eyes, "and Blair was worried about school. Enter
Gayle."
Joel refrained from grinning and instead, turned a serious look
towards Gayle. "I kind of had a vision about it, Gayle. I sometimes see
things very clearly and then work to bring them into reality."
I snorted. "Sometimes?"
Bill chuckled and Joel grinned briefly as he renewed his grip.
Gayle's head and shoulders sagged. I watched as the realization of what we
were suggesting began to sink into her awareness.
"Forget about them, Gayle. I know it's a lot to consider, but we'd
like for you to team up with us, if you will, and work with Mau
professionally, but also consider being a full-time tutor with the other
boys."
Gayle's eyes dropped shut and I heard a quiet whisper escape her
lips. "Good, God."
Joel had assured Gayle that there was no obligation on her part
and told her he knew she hadn't signed up for such a life altering change,
but it was obvious that Mau had responded to her and if she only wanted to
focus on Mau then we'd understand completely. She'd asked for time to think
about it, but definitely did not want to work professionally with the other
boys and hoped that we planned on Bill handling the rest of the therapy.
Joel had nodded and Bill agreed then explained that he wanted to set up
private sessions with each of the boys to determine what, if any,
therapeutic needs required on-going work.
Ben and Cleats had been subjected to significant violence and outside of the
one time we'd talked with them about it, the acts committed against them had
not been discussed with either Joel or me. Chris experienced vile
exhortations from his father and minister about his lack of worthiness to be
a member of the human race and Bill felt that his sexual practices were an
indication that he possibly believed the hate-laced rhetoric.
Bill felt, surprisingly, that Cody and Timmy appeared to act like
fairly well adjusted teenage boys. They both needed love and security and a
place to belong. Timmy was able to get his needs met by his association
with the other boys -- they'd become his family and the addition of Joel and
I into the picture helped to complete a healthy basis around which he could
mature. Unfortunately, Bill had not yet been able to ascertain Cody's
needs, if any, though he did mumble something about a need for approval and
direction.
I was amazed that after only two short meetings with the boys
lasting a few hours at best, Bill was able to pick up on the dynamics of the
group to the extent that he had. To me, it showed why Joel's faith in
Bill's ability was so strong. And I couldn't dispute his effect on the
boys. They'd taken to him almost immediately. Bill's agreement to continue
with the plan to be houseparent and therapist if need be to a new set of
boys left us waiting only for Gayle's decision -- and I hoped it wouldn't be
long in coming.
I heard Ben approach from behind as my thoughts shifted.
"Here you go, old man."
"Thanks, pup."
"We need to get bigger coffee cups."
"Why would we when I've got you around to keep mine filled?" I
bumped him with my shoulder.
He grunted. "How's your ankle?"
"Better. It's not so tender this morning, but I'm gonna need to
take it easy for a while. You'll have to get Cleats to run with you for the
next week or so."
"Yeah," he mumbled. "Or I'll just wait till you're okay."
I turned and rested against the parapet. "Are you and Cleats cool?"
His head tipped upward. "Yeah, we're cool."
"Then why don't you want to run with him?"
I expected his shrug, but not his grimace. "All he talks about is
girls and pussy. It gets boring."
"I'd think that you'd like that."
"I do, but not all the time. It doesn't seem to bother Chris, but I
know that Cody hates it, especially when Cleats tries to get him to try it."
Ben sipped from his cup then leaned against the wall next to me.
"Good coffee."
His not-so-subtle change of subject forced a half grin to my lips.
"Nice change of subject, Ben. How about another one?"
The drop in his shoulders told me that he knew what I wanted to talk
about. "Don't start on me about Cody, Blair. Him and me got it covered."
I nodded thoughtfully. "You know how bad he's got it for you, don't
you?"
His face grimaced with understanding and I watched as his eyes
turned to look across the roof. With the time change, the sun now stood
above the horizon even though it was only 6:30, and as he studied it, his
eyes moved in thought. I couldn't imagine the confusion he must be feeling.
I'd always known that I liked boys more than girls. It was simple for me in
that respect. What wasn't simple though, was having feelings for another
boy, like what Cody had for Ben, and knowing that I could never act on those
feelings. Twenty-five or thirty years ago, you couldn't even speak about
it. Now, it wasn't as much of a taboo subject and Ben knew how Cody felt
about him.
"He's never really told me before, not like he told you. Just kind
of whispered it to me when he thought I was asleep." He turned and rested
his arms on the capstone. I heard his sigh. "I guess I knew though."
"And so, hearing him tell me how he really feels, what does that do
for you?" I reached to tuck his hair away so I could see his face. "You
were kind of brutal to him when you came out of the bathroom."
I watched his jaw clench as he flushed, embarrassed. "This all
sucks, man. I've told him not to say shit like that, but it's like he can't
help himself. And what am I s'posed to do when he says it, huh? I tell him
I love him, but he always wants more. Now he wants to kiss me."
Confusion and anxiety flowed from him palpably. "Kissing him isn't
a bad thing, you know, if you want to, but all of the holding you two do,
the sleeping together, the little kiss you placed on his forehead this
morning ... it all serves to stir things up in Cody, even though you may
only mean it as good, close buds."
"I know kissing him ain't bad or ..." he shook as a spasm of
revulsion swept through him. "I can't be like him ... like that. I just
can't be."
I was confused. "You mean you can't be like Cody and want to kiss
your best bud?"
His head shook once as he dipped his chin and growled. "No. I
can't be like him." Ben's emphasis on the word 'him' reached through my
confusion. He meant his uncle -- he couldn't be like his uncle! Anguish
gripped me. Ben couldn't separate the act of forced sodomy that his uncle
had committed against him with his confused feelings and possibly his
desires for Cody. They were the same thing in his mind! I felt the rage
surge within me.
"Fucking bastard!" My growl caused him to look at me quickly. My
eyes blazed with hate until I realized that he was staring at me wide-eyed.
I breathed quickly, my nostrils flaring as I tried to pull back from the
blinding abyss of hatred I'd felt too often lately. I reached to stroke his
hair and tried to offer him some kind of explanation. "He's just scum, Ben.
What he did to you was so wrong on so many levels. You know we're going to
put him away, don't you? So he can't do that to anyone else."
He nodded, but remained quiet. I had to help him see the difference
between what his uncle did and what he felt for Cody. "What he did was
rape, Ben." Tears wet my eyes, but I fought them back. "What Cody feels
for you is love and what you might feel back for him is love. There is no
comparison. They are complete opposites and I need you to see that only a
tiny percent of men are like your uncle. Being sexual is not about violence
or forced acts. And you can't confuse what he did to you with anything you
may or may not feel for Cody ... or what he feels for you. He loves you
cleanly. Do you understand what I mean?"
"He loves me like a boyfriend." His eyes clouded with sadness. "He
wants to be with me like I want to be with girls."
"Yes. Just the way kids your age should be -- all excited and
wanting to be with the other person all the time. That's what I mean by
cleanly. No hang-ups, no coercion, no violence, just clean feelings of
interest and desire. You didn't like or get excited by what your uncle did
to you. It was horrible. I know that. There is where the difference comes
in between you and Cody. You like holding him or him holding you when you
sleep. You've told me you like feeling him close to you. There is nothing
wrong with that, nor is there anything wrong if you get aroused. It's
natural, Ben. Touching other people, especially when you feel something for
them is good and sometimes it gets your juices going."
"You touch me, but it doesn't get my juices going."
I smiled. "My touches aren't meant to arouse you, bud. I love you,
you know that, but I don't want you sexually. When a person wants someone
else sexually, there's an energy that is shared between the two of them.
I'm sure you've felt this from Cody, right?"
"Yeah. Sometimes I tell him to just roll over because he ... it
feels like he's going to attack me."
"You mean he starts trying things with you?"
"No. It's just that energy stuff you were talking about. I just
feel it and I ..." He shrugged to say that he wasn't sure about the
feeling.
"So do you feel it back for him?"
A long pause stood between us as he thought about my question. He
finished the last of the coffee in his mug then replied. "Sometimes."
"And that's what worries you, right? That you feel the same thing,
sometimes."
He nodded.
"Ben, I'm not here to tell you what to do, but more to help you make
your own decisions. Yet, Bud, I do need to say that you need to think about
what your actions, innocent friendship or more, are doing to Cody. He makes
his own choices, granted, but it might be time for you to make a decision."
He turned to me and his face conveyed a look of overwhelming
reluctance. "You mean a decision like if I'm gay or not? Blair ..."
"No, no, no, bud. Not that at all. I simply meant for you to think
about pulling back from all of the touching and holding each other if you're
not willing to let your heart take it any further.
I saw a small bit of relief fill his eyes, but remaining behind the
relief were more questions. "I don't think about guys like that, Blair. I
just ... I don't know. Cody's different though." He closed his eyes and
sighed heavily. "Can we change the subject?"
"Sure," I smiled and reached for his chin and he opened his eyes at
my touch. "Just think about what I said, okay?"
He nodded.
"Now, what car are we taking?"
He held up the keys to my BMW. "Yours. It's cool." He grinned.
"Where are we going?"
"That, my boy, is a secret."
He sighed again, though this time with a playful roll of his eyes.
"Can I drive?"
"My ankle may be damaged, but my mind isn't."
Twenty minutes later we pulled up in front of the Vine Street house and as I
made my way around the side of the car, Ben met me with a confused look on
his face. I nodded my head for him to follow me up the steps.
"What are we doing here? Who's place is this?" His voice contained
uncertainty and I felt a slight reluctance in him to want to follow me.
"C'mon, pup. Just follow me inside, then I'll tell you."
He chewed on his lip, but remained by the car.
"What gives, Blair?"
"Well," I started as a smirk covered my lips and I lowered myself
onto the first step from the sidewalk. I could tell he wasn't going to
budge until I told him. "You know by now how Joel is. He gets something in
his head and before you can say 'Holy Batmobile, Batman', he's already set
his plan in motion."
"No shit, Blair."
I rolled my eyes at him and shook my head. "Real nice language,
pup." He tipped his chin to me in recognition of my admonishment and I
continued. "In answer to your second question, it's ours."
"What's ours?" He asked obviously confused."
"This house. Or it will be soon. Joel bought it yesterday."
His eyes widened and his brows lifted in surprise, but I could tell
he wasn't making the connection. "Why?"
"Well you don't expect us all to live in my house and you know there
isn't enough room in the apartment."
It took a moment for my words to sink in and then his face exploded
with excitement; eyes as big as dollar coins and a smile that reached to the
moon. "No Way!" He launched at me from his place on the sidewalk and
struck me with enough force to propel us off the step into the grass.
"Whoa, pup!" My laughter rang out loudly as I rolled onto my back
and held him in a tight hug on my chest.
He laughed excitedly. "Really? You mean it? We're all going to
live together?" As I nodded, he sat up on my stomach and raised his arms
into the air victoriously. "Yes!"
I laughed again. "Joel and I made the decision yesterday after he
saw us on the couch together. He told me that we looked as close as any dad
and son could be."
My words caused Ben to shudder as his excitement transformed swiftly
into incredulity. "I can't believe this. I wanted it so bad." His voice
cracked with emotion as he rolled off me and hugged his arms around his
knees.
"What, bud?" I sat up and turned towards him to find his eyes full
of tears as his chin began to tremble.
"This is all so incredible. God, just a week ago ... last Saturday,
I was still so hungry even after you guys fed me." His voice caught as the
emotional impact of the changes the past week had brought almost overwhelmed
his ability to speak. He sputtered a little. "I ...cried as I... headed
back to ... the crib with your money. I wanted so badly to just believe you
guys were for real, but I was so scared." His shoulders shook with the
force of the emotional overload that washed over him. I pulled him into my
arms as he cried. "I was so scared all the time, Blair. I never thought
I'd get out of there and I was so fuckin' hungry all the time ... and I just
wanted my dad to believe me and hold me like he used to before my mom died
-- like you do. But he's barely even talked to me ever since the funeral."
'My God!' I thought. 'She died when he was eleven. He's been
basically alone for five years!'
I felt him shudder with the pain and loss
and it hit me how conflicted he was about his feelings for his father --
anger and hate warring with his desire to be loved by the man that had
brought him into the world; the man that had unfortunately and tragically
lost the wrestling match with his own demons.
His shudders continued, but he pulled from me and tried to wipe his
eyes. "I called him once to see if he was still mad at me." The muscles in
his lips and mouth quivered as he sniffed loudly. "He called me a faggot
and said my uncle had told him everything about how I'd fed him beers and
begged him to fuck me and that that wasn't the only time, that I'd been
begging him for six months. I never did, Blair."
"I know, love." I brushed away the tears. "What else did he say to
you?"
"That he didn't have a son no more."
My eyes closed at the pain I could only imagine Ben felt at hearing
those words. "I'm so sorry, Ben. I really am. You are absolutely the best
kid in the world to me and I'll do anything I possibly can to get you to
believe that."
He wiped the last of his tears away and sniffed again. "So that's
why I say I can't believe all of this." He gestured to the house and shook
his head. "I can't believe it! It's like a movie or something and I keep
waiting for it to end, you know?"
"Yeah, I can imagine. But it's not going to end, bud." I reached
into my pocket and withdrew the front door key. I grinned as I handed it to
him. "Ya wanna go see what your new bedroom looks like?"
He stared at the key and then a small grin began at his lips and
reached to his eyes.
* * *
The bowls from the restaurant stood empty and six boys along with my
dark haired lover sat sated in front of me . Our impromptu Saturday brunch
had been a hit and it had all been Ben's idea. After a lengthy tour of the
Vine Street house spent exploring all the nooks and crannies hidden in the
marvelous century old house, we ended up sitting on the first step at the
top of the grand staircase. We'd found two other staircases, one tucked
away and leading to the kitchen, while a second led from the north upper
level into the study. As we sat on the step, a half hour after we started
our explorations, I'd heard Ben's stomach growl and couldn't resist a royal
tease. I'd exclaimed 'Wait! Quiet! I think I just heard a primordial
sound' then I leaned over and placed my ear next to Ben's stomach. After a
pause, I'd said with a grin, 'oh, it's just your belly, guess it's time to
feed you'. Ben had graced me with his patent, 'you're so weird' and then
suggested having Hank put in an order for a morning feast that we'd pick up
on our way into the apartment.
The breakfast had been delayed though.
With our seatbelts buckled and just as I went to pull from the curb
in front of Vine Street, Ben's cell phone rang and he looked at me with a
stunned expression saying that it was Mau's phone calling his. He answered
as I put the car again into park. Mau's conversation was to the point and
brief in its duration. Cody was still in his bed and wouldn't talk to
anyone since Mau had woken an hour earlier. He said he thought he'd been
crying. Chris had finally brought Joel into the picture though without any
substantial results. Out of worry and concern, Mau called Ben.
Once at the building, Ben went immediately up to the apartment while
I gathered the food from Hank. When I arrived, Joel gave me a shrug and
told me Ben had gone straight to their room and closed the door. Telling
myself to be patient and let them have their time together, I set up the
food from the cart and pulled out plates and silverware for the eight of us.
After pouring myself another cup of coffee, I wandered down the hall and
knocked on the boy's door.
"Hey, guys," I began. "How's it going in there?"
I heard a muffled swear then Ben's voice. "Not now, Blair. We'll
be out in a minute."
I grinned. "Sure. Just wanted you to know that breakfast is ready
and hot. Don't let it get cold."
Silence answered my announcement and still grinning, I made my way
back to the kitchen. I hollered for the rest of the boys and stood back
watching as they plowed into the bowls of eggs, bacon, sausage and fruit.
Once Joel had filled his plate and took a seat at the table, I began to fill
mine when I heard the sound of hushed conversation in the hallway leading to
the bedrooms, then again silence. I peeked around the corner and
surprisingly I saw Ben and Cody in an embrace, kissing passionately.
I quickly returned to the counter and had just filled my glass with
juice when the two boys entered the kitchen. Turning to them I immediately
noticed the matching flush that covered their faces.
"Bout time, guys. I was getting ready to send in the fire brigade."
I said quietly with a wink.
Ben's face flushed with scarlet blush and Cody did a truly admirable
job of containing his happiness. The glare I received from Ben was worthy
of an Oscar. I ignored it and simply arched my brow as I carried my plate
to the table.
The boys filled their plates, whispering the entire time, then took
a seat at the breakfast bar. I noticed the other boys watching them and the
conversation around the table was virtually non-existent. Finally, the
silence was broken as Ben turned and looked at Mau.
"Thanks, Mau, for the phone call."
I watched as Cody's eyes filled with shared gratitude then turned to
see Mau nod. Normal conversation returned after Ben's statement with Timmy
asking Joel if they could go flying again today.
Joel nodded to Timmy's delight. "But you know, Tim, the plane is
only a four-seater and Chris, Cleats and Ben haven't been up yet."
Timmy's face fell and the light was crushed from his eyes as he
nodded.
"No way, Fu Man," Cleats said. "I ain't going up there with some
crazy white man behind the wheel. Count me out."
Timmy exploded with excitement. "So can I go too, Joel? Please!"
Joel chuckled and appeared to think about his answer. "Well, Tim,"
he said, giving me a wink, "Blair hasn't been up yet either. Shouldn't you
give him a shot first?"
Intense desperation poured from Timmy's eyes as he looked towards
me. In the end, it was too much and I chuckled. "Not today, love," I began
as I tossed my napkin at Timmy. "I'm gonna hang around to see if Gayle
calls."
"Yes!" Timmy exclaimed.
Joel grinned and nodded. "But first, there's something Blair and I
need to speak to you all about." We shared a look of excitement. I'd hoped
that Joel wouldn't wait too long to speak to the boys. He gave me a slight
nod, then continued. "Guys, make room for Ben and Cody, would you?"
I smirked as I watched them squeeze their chairs next to each other
at the corner. Their forearms and shoulders were in near-constant touch as
they resumed eating. Mau watched them closely as he sipped some juice and I
found myself wondering what was going through his mind. His look told me
that he recognized a difference in their interactions with each other, even
though the other boys didn't seem to notice. He must have felt my look as
his gaze shifted from Cody and Ben to me. I winked at him and watched his
lips purse in response. He returned the wink. Then Joel started.
"Guys, Blair and I did something yesterday that has rather wide
reaching effects for all of us." That got their attention. Each of the
boys looked at Joel and I saw Chris set his fork down and look towards me.
I realized this week that he never missed much of what was important and I
could sense his anticipation. I smiled and he turned back towards Joel.
"What'd you do," Cleats jibed, "make another billion, Fu Man?" Mau
and Chris chuckled and I saw a glint brighten in Cleats' eyes. "Or are you
gonna tell us that Blair's pregnant and we're gonna have a baby brother?"
I couldn't help myself. His sarcasm and quick one-liners normally
brought a grin to my face, but this one was priceless. I barked my laughter
and appreciation, making Cleats grin widely and raise his brows once
quickly. Joel joined in the grin.
"No, Blair's not pregnant ... yet," he said as he tipped his head
towards me, "but that reminds me, Cleats. Since you seem to have a problem
keeping your pecker in your pant, I've scheduled an appointment for you on
Monday to have a vasectomy. We can't risk having clones of you running
around. It's really for the good of the people."
Chris howled. His laughter brayed out and he slapped Joel on the
back. "Good one, Fu. But they might have a tough time finding his pea-size
nads. They might just have to cut 'em off. He's all dick and no balls
anyway."
A serious expression covered Joel's face and he nodded slowly in
feigned understanding. "I see." Joel said thoughtfully.
Cleats' head shook slowly back and forth as he licked his lower lip.
For once, he didn't have a comeback and I watched as his hand dropped to his
crotch. "Not cool, Chrissy and you," he nodded towards Joel and grinned,
"you just stay away from my boys here. They got a job to do later on, man."
Joel laughed and raised his coffee cup towards Cleats. "Just
promise me it'll be much later on, pup. I can't have my plans for you
derailed before they even get going."
"What plans, man? I ain't said nothing about no plans."
Joel gave him a wink. "You'll see."
Cleats sighed and cupped his groin one last time. "Whatever, Fu
Man. Just stay away from my boys."
Joel nodded then cleared his throat. "Now, if I can start again
without the side commentary from our boy Clayton here, I want to tell you
about yesterday. As I said, Blair and I did something that will possibly
have an impact on all of you, us included. I can't say that we did a lot of
soul-searching about it, we just both arrived at the same spot at about the
same time and knew that the decision had already been made. Maybe we should
have spoken to you first," he said, taking the time to look into each of the
boy's eyes and pausing to give Ben a wink. "But we put an offer on a house
... a rather large house, and the offer was accepted."
The reactions varied with each of the boys. Chris' eyes shown with
immediate understanding and his head moved subtly back and forth in
amazement. Cleats had a puzzled look on his face. Ben smiled and Cody
looked at Ben wide-eyed. Mau glanced away, lost in his thoughts, but
obviously understanding what Joel was saying. Timmy's eyes filled with
tears.
"Are you moving away?" He asked, immediately taking Joel's words as
a rejection and a goodbye.
Joel reached across the table and as he smiled warmly at Timmy, he
tweaked the tip of Timmy's nose. "Not without you, buddy."
Timmy's eyes lit up and Joel looked at each of the boys again.
"Not without all of you, if you'll agree to come with us."
Chris looked from Joel to me. "You're serious, aren't you. You
want us all to live together."
Joel nodded. "If you guys still want to."
"Like a family," Chris stated. "After just a week with us."
Again, Joel nodded. I could sense Chris' amazement. He turned to
share a look between him and Cleats. Cleats licked his lower lip again as
some thought passed between him and Chris, but he remained silent.
"I know it's a big decision," I started. "And I also know it's only
been a week since we even met Ben and then all of you in turn, but we've
been simply blown away by the intensity of your devotion to each other and
the natural family that you've already made for yourself. I know we
initially said that we felt like we couldn't offer you guys the kind of
security you need because of our business commitments, but in the end,
there's a solution to every problem."
Chris slowly nodded and without thinking, I reached to tuck his hair
behind his ear. He grinned at me sideways and I turned to the other boys.
"You're all the most incredible kids. We never expected to fall for each
and every one of you, but you're amazing and we feel like, combined, we can
make a pretty amazing group."
Timmy jumped up and ran to Joel, throwing his arms around his neck.
Tears streamed down his cheeks as Joel pulled him onto his lap and hugged
him tightly. I turned to Cody and Ben and received a wink from my boy then
I ruffled Cody's hair.
"What do you think, C-man?"
He smiled. "Took you long enough."
I laughed and turned to face Mau sitting next to me looking into his
plate. I placed my hand on his shoulder and felt him quiver at my touch
then tilt his head towards my hand. "And you, honey? You want to make this
a little more permanent?"
He looked up at me. His dark brown eyes conveyed such unguarded
longing and hope that I almost broke into tears. "You really want me after
everything you know?" He spoke softly, but his words easily reached to
everyone around the table.
"What I know is that you've won my heart just like every one of your
boys here. I told you yesterday after we shared the final results from Dr.
Prentice with you that we love you and we'll always ... always be here for
you through everything that's still yet to come. I can't even imagine our
life without you in it." I quickly glanced around the table. "That goes
for all of you." I turned back to Mau. "So are you down with the idea of
having your boys and you together with us for a good, long while?"
He nodded slowly and I bent forward to place a kiss on his forehead.
He closed his eyes and I suddenly remembered I'd promised not to do that.
"Sorry," I whispered. "I wasn't supposed to do that in front of your boys,
was I?"
He grinned and leaned into me with a nod. I put my arm around his
shoulder then turned towards Cleats. "All right, Mr. Cool, what's up with
you, of all people, not saying anything?"
Cleats looked at me intensely for a moment then dropped his eyes. I
saw that Joel was eyeing him closely. Cleats shrugged then nodded as if he
liked the idea. "It all sounds great, Blair, but I think I'm going to pass.
I'm probably going to head back to Chicago and check on the scene there.
But thanks, man." He refused to look at either Joel or me. His words
shocked me as they came out of left field. I watched, stunned, as Chris
studied him then reached out quickly and punched him in the chest.
"Real funny, dude."
Cleats scowled and rubbed his chest. "Don't, Chris. Just leave it,
man. I'm not joking."
Joel gestured for Timmy to head back to his seat then he turned back
to face Cleats. "Something's bugging you, all of a sudden. Let me guess,
Clayton. You can't believe that two, white faggots could possibly want a
straight, black boy for their son. Am I right?" Cleats snapped his head up
and glared at Joel. "Or is it that while you could be down with the idea of
living at Blair's house with your boys and Bill, the idea of people knowing
that you have two queer Dads would ruin your reputation? Yeah, maybe that's
it."
Cleats' eyes flashed anger. "Fuck you, man. You don't know shit."
"Yeah, I do," Joel responded. His eyes momentarily moved to mine
and his look told me to trust him.
"No you don't. And what's this shit about being your son? What,
now you wanna adopt me? Yeah, good one, white boy."
Joel nodded. "Something like that, black boy. It's actually a
second question we were going to put in front of you boys. We wanted to
have you start thinking if this is something you might want to make more
permanent, but I can tell already that your pride and your fears aren't
going to allow you to even consider the idea."
"Yeah, and what do you know about my pride or my fears. Like I
said, you don't know shit. I ain't scared of nothing." His eyes glared at
Joel refusing to look away.
"That's right, Clayton. Flare your nostrils and puff out your
chest. Show me what a tough guy you are and how you don't need anyone. But
I know better. You're ready to piss on the world rather than except
someone's help."
"Bullshit man. How can you even think shit like that?"
Each of the boys watched the exchange with focused attention. Timmy
looked like he wanted to cry and Ben eyed Joel with a steel gaze. Then Joel
settled the matter with a cross-cut combination of verbal blows meant to
knock the fight out of any opponent. It hadn't taken me long to figure out
that he considered it time to reveal his own past.
"Because you're exactly like I was when I was your age -- angry with
the world and dead-set on ramming my independence up everyone's ass. You
see, Clayton, I was a spoiled, rich brat who considered the world nothing
less than my kingdom and the people in it were there to do what I wanted.
Then my parents were killed and my spinster aunt became my guardian. I was
fifteen and incredibly angry with the world. For a couple of years I was
just like you, flashing out my anger with cutting put-downs and asserting my
independence by never following a single rule laid out for me. I had more
money in a trust than I could imagine, but my Aunt controlled it, making me
even madder. She was an incredible woman and I treated her like dirt."
He looked across the table at me and I smiled supportively, knowing
the anxiety the recall of his memories was costing him. He nodded and gave
me a quick grin, then continued.
"Fortunately, a very wise and quiet man exerted his strength on me
one night when I went to take one of the cars out after my curfew. He
refused to let me and I started to rage at him because he was simply the
lowly chauffer. And yes, he was black. But in the end, he broke through my
walls and got me to see that I was throwing my life away because of my
anger. What he did was teach me about respect for others and that respect,
he said, began with respecting yourself. When he died three years ago, I
felt like I'd lost my father all over again. But what he did for me back
when I was seventeen changed me. He steered me through school and into my
professional career having zero education behind him. He made me see that I
could let people love me and help me because they wanted to, not because
they had to. You're the same way I was back then so before you throw out
anymore of your racist, angry jive just remember, I've said and done it all
before."
The silence around the table didn't surprise me. The impact of
Joel's story on the boys, which he'd asked be kept just between us, was
profound. Mau's gaze locked on Joel as Timmy moved back to Joel's chair and
touched him on his arm. Joel grinned and winked at him then put his arm
around his waist.
"Fuck me," Cody said.
I shook my head. "Nice language, Codes."
"Sorry, but you all could have told us this stuff before, you know."
Joel shook his head. "Nope. No need. Blair knows that I didn't
start all of this because I felt some need to pay back the cosmos. I did it
because you guys have had enough tough breaks in your young lives and needed
someone to help you get a new start and teach you about self-respect." He
turned to face Cleats. "I'm not asking you to decide about becoming my son
or me being your dad ... that's not what this is about right now. I asking
you to make the decision to let go of some of your anger -- just set is
aside, right next to you if you're so fond of it, but give yourself a chance
to see what life looks like without anger blurring everything. I want you
with us, Clayton James because you enrich us and complete our circle.
Plus," he grinned, "you sometimes make me laugh."
Cleats stared at him, emotion flooding his eyes. "You'd really want
me to be your kid?" | |
